Novel
MEMORY OF A GHOST
1937 was the year that conflict arose in Asia, resulting with World War II starting in Europe two years after that, and it was also the year my mother was born. Many say my mother's birth, ultimately foreshadowed the personal conflict and battle with growing up in her life, but I never knew how that came to be. Her actions itself didn't seem that of a person who had a troublesome childhood, but then again I was never inclined to learn about my mother's life. She always seemed so distant. Having seven brothers and sisters, and being the youngest, I felt that I was the oddball in the family. My aunts always said that my mother was like a steel box, she always concealed her emotions and seemed so sincere. I was considered to be the opposite of my mother among my brothers and sisters, I always felt like I was such an oddball for feeling so different from my siblings. My siblings say I am like my free-spirited, overly-affectionate, and outspoken father, who always questioned everything. I guess you could say he was the opposite of my mother as well. Whenever any of my brothers would start to play rowdy with the neighborhood children, my father seemed to act more of a disciplinarian than my mother. That wasn't because my mother wasn't a strict disciplinarian. But during my childhood years, many of my childhood friends would have to endure the bamboo stick slapping against the calves of their leg. My siblings manners and some of their serious personalities would have to be in result of my my mother's stare that would stop anyone with whatever wrongdoing they are acting about and end up quickly apologizing.
The memories I can remember far back are during the early 70s just before we moved to the city of Manila. My family and I lived in the province of Bataan, in the most northern part of the largest island, in surface area, of Luzon. You could say it is like the rural farm areas of the United States, although back in those times the Philippines’ provinces were hardly scarce, but abundant. Modern cities began to form and the provinces started to clean up during the 80s when President Marcos declared the Philippines under martial law. I can clearly remember my childhood years, since those I would say, were my happiest times. We were neither rich or poor but I was apathetic towards social status. I always believed that everyone was the same. My father loved to garden and when each of us eight children were born, he would plant a different fruit tree for each child to tender and nurture when they were older. I remember my tree to be a banana tree. Sometimes my father says it resembles my personality, easy to peel open and eat. When I was young I just thought my father was crazy but he said that my brothers’ and sisters’ trees were coconuts, jack fruits, and pineapple; all of these fruits having hard shells hard to break open. I was a very sensitive child whereas my brothers and sisters sensitivities and feelings were hard to crack open and show. I always thought that was a good thing to be able to hold back your feelings because when I was younger, I would play games with my neighborhood friends and trip and fall I could not stand holding the pain in and I would just start bawling and wait for my father to come and reassure that everything was okay. Oh, how innocent and naive children can be sometimes it makes me wish I never grew up.
Just as my parents’ personalities were opposite, so were their roles as husband and wife were during that time. My father tended the garden and would sell fruits in the front yard near our porch while my mother would travel to the market to sell fish. That was our business, my mother would buy fish from the vendors and prepare the fish by removing all the scales and the guts then deep fry the fish and sell them ready to be eaten. She would be absent most of the week travelling all over Bataan to find the best fish, when I was young, as harsh as it sounds, I did not know I had a mother. I thought she was an aunt of mine coming for a visit when she came to the house.The few recollections of my mother's ways and the many of my childhood came to my head as I walk toward the empty white halls of the hospital. I sometimes wish I bonded and took the opportunity to understand her. However, I've run out of time. No, my mother has not reached that stage of dying but as my father says, her mind seems to be no longer with us. As I write this, it seems as if I will only know her through research and hearsay for the mother I have is no longer inside her body. My mother’s mind has succumbed to Alzheimer’s disease a disease that is inherent and occurs when abnormal proteins are created and coagulate nerve cell bodies and in effect result with the loss of brain cells. This, I have learned at med school. When I would converse with patients I learned to do what my mother had done all her life, that is concealing her emotions. When I would consult a patient and when I performed surgery, I found even in the most heartfelt cases to keep my tears and sympathy to myself. I accepted the facts as they are without any emotions and report them to the patients, I felt that my job was to bring about sadness. After all the stress of work, my mother’s ailment, and the recent lost of my father one year ago, I broke down. I did not know what to do. I felt that every day that occurred was filled with grief, be it my bringing upon other people or myself. I knew being able to stay strong was a weakness of mine. I consulted a psychiatrist eight months ago, and instead of prescribing me medicine he told me that the guilt that I have been putting on my shoulders was weighing me down. I needed to release all of that. He told me I should concentrate on one thing rather than think of all the events happening in my life. So I decided to focus on the most absent thing in my life, my mother. There was nothing I can do to recant the absence of her affections in my life except to understand her ways and her past. This is her story.
THE BEGINNINGS OF CONTENTION
A loud wail emanated within the walls of the dilapidated house. It was the cries of Cresencia, born on June 24, 1937 to young parents of the age of 18 and 23. My mother was born with the name of Cresencia Ang Estrella, with her mother being Chinese and her father being Filipino with Spanish descent. She was born in a small and frugal family of five, with her as the eldest of two younger sisters, Editha and Irene. The war abruptly started within Cresencia’s childhood years. The Japanese inundated the island of Luzon, specifically in Bataan where Cresencia was born. She was of the age of eight when the Battle of Bataan started among the Japanese who invaded the island since the US had their airforce base located there and also they wanted to create an Asian imperial empire, just as the Germans wanted to control Europe. The year the battle started was the same year that Cresencia and her sisters became an orphan. The night that the first bombs from the air raid took place, Cresencia’s parents Alma and Edward tried to take refuge with the whole family up on the mountain. There, her mother contracted malaria from the mosquitoes mountain habitat. A few weeks later she died. Although she was eight, she understood the loss of her mother while her younger sisters did not. Her sisters have said when they met up later in life, that their older sister Cresencia had no childhood like the one they had. The battle eventually ended with a 90 day siege and resulting with 75,000 Filipinos surrendered and many were killed during the Bataan Death Match. Their father soon died after the battle after having a fever for three days. The three sisters were now orphans, however it is Cresencia that endured the life of an orphan.
The sisters were split up among different sets of relatives. Editha and Irene paired off with a relative of their father’s and Cresencia was off to live with their aunt, the sister of Alma. The first day she came to the house of Aunt Lourdes, it was nothing like the house she was habiting before. It had a tinge of pink and orange hues painted in stucco form, and spanish roofing tiles. When Cresencia came to step foot in her new home, she felt a spark of hope come to her chest. She seemed, at first, very hesitant to open the white- painted steel gates of the entrance of the house. She gazed among the beauty of the house she was about to enter, but suddenly a loud yell interrupted her daydreaming, “Hoy, you, little girl, we serve no beggars here.” It was a woman sweeping the front yard inside the house. She started to try to have Cresencia flee by waving the straw broom in her hand. All of a sudden, the door opened and a woman who looked to be about Chinese started yelling, “Luningning! What is all this commotion going on! I expect you to do your work yet you go on poking about and yelling at everyone you see on the street!” She stood there watching the yelling going on and seemed a bit confused.
"Ah, ma’am, it is just there is that girl standing there begging for food.”
“Ang gago mo (you have such a stupid mind) Luningning, that is the orphan girl of my dead sister! Have her come in now! She has much to do in the house!” The woman heartily sighed buisit under her breath, which inflicted the emotion of regret of hiring such a stupid woman. Luninging opened the gate, held Cresencia by the arm and dragged her through the front garden and into the house. Then and there, did Cresencia see the beauty that was in the interior of the house, and continued on day dreaming.
“Child, what is your name,” the woman said in a stern voice.
With a meekly response she stated, “Cr-cr-cresencia.”
“Pahh! For such a pretty name, your looks do not achieve that. But then again, my sister did not inherit my mother’s beauty. Anyway, though you will be staying here you are just another burden to all the things I have to accomplish in the house and for my husband’s business. You will help Luninging with her duties in cleaning up the house and cooking. I expect you to listen to her, if I hear any wrongdoing under her command you will not be getting any food to eat.”
Cresencia was quite shocked with the way she was greeted by her aunt. Well, it did make sense to her, for when she first looked upon her aunt who she still didn’t know the name of, she looked as if to have a very stern face. So much for her spark of hope, however, she was used to the disappointment always barging in her life. Even though she was only eight years old, she experienced so much emotional hardship. Though she had two sisters, they were also out of her life along with her parents. After splitting up and leaving her with the stern aunt, she felt that somehow she might never regain happiness. She tried to instill a small fragment of hope, when she roamed around the house she spotted two young girls of her sisters’ ages that were probably the children of the household. She could try and gain some friendship and she started to think of actually having a place to stay during such hard times among the population of the Philippines, especially since now the Americans took over, and she guessed that was something to be grateful about.
"Daydreamer! Stop staring into space, ma'am has just said that you are under my command and most obey and help with my duties." She rummaged through the closet and started to gather supplies for Cresencia that consisted of rags, a broom, a bucket, a mop and feather duster. She lengthily described the arduous chores she was going to do till the end of the day. And she was supposed to get everything finished before dinner, otherwise, just as her aunt said, she would not receive one bite to eat. Her stomach itself started to rumble as she picked up all the supplies that was shoved into her hands. Sweep the floor, mop the floor, dry it with rags, and dust the counter tops. Sweep the floor, mop the floor, dry it with rags, and dust the counter tops... She recited this on and on again in her head as she was doing her chores, trying hard not to forget. It seemed to work for time began to pass by faster, and she was able to get it done a bit earlier than she anticipated to be finished.
DAYDREAMER
Out of exhaustion from the hours but seemingly minutes of work, she lumbered around the house and explored. Room after room, she was amazed by all the artwork and tapestries that decorated the bright painted walls. She wandered and wondered which of the many rooms of the house would she occupy. Cresencia hoped that the room she was to stay in would be the pale mint green painted room with an art piece hanging from the wall of baby cherubic angels aligned in a row. That picture made her smile, even after hearing her aunt's reaction to having her living in their house. As she kept having thoughts as to what happened earlier between her meeting with her aunt and Luninging, she thought she saw two little black heads poke between the leaves of the indoor plants and quickly hide and giggle.
"Hello? Don't pretend I didn't see you. I am your older cousin, you must come and say hello."
Out of nowhere a little girl jumped out of her hiding spot and with a sneer asked, "Cousin? Mother said you are the new maid. So you should do what we tell you to. Hmph."
"I'm sorry, but that is a misunderstanding. Though I am your cousin, I must work in order to stay here. But since I am done with my work, how about we play some games? I know some very fun games my sisters and I used to play. You know, you two girls are about the ages of my younger sisters."
A very small voice, that of the younger sister spoke, "Did your sisters die too?"
"Ligaya! I told you to hide and stay behind the wall, you never listen! And your questions are just ridiculously stupid and naive."
Reassuringly, Cresencia said, "Ligaya, that's a nice name, I can see why you would ask such a question. But, no, my sisters have not passed. We have been separated from each other when our parents passed away."
"Ate Liwayway, how about we play with Cresencia? She has no sisters. Let's play jump rope Ate!"
"Hmph. No, I don't want to get in trouble and play with this orphan."
With the sound of an authoritative voice she replied, "My name is Cresencia. In fact, you must call me Ate since I am older than you. And Liwayway, if we ever happen to get into trouble with your mother I will take the blame. I have nothing else to do and Luninging seems to have gone on an errand."
"Yeah, Ate. We'll hold the handles of the jump rope so you can jump. How about it, Ate?"
"Ugh. Fine, fine. I guess we can play more games and then wait till dinner is ready."
So that afternoon, they all played games and appeared to have fun with each other, but Liwayway seemed to feel very intimidated by this orphan. In her eyes, the orphan looked like a small, light-skinned, and round porcelain china doll. Liwayway's mother always badgered how she was so dark skinned, like that of her fathers and started feeling insecure about the orphan's looks and attitude. How bold of her to try and play with children of their status, event at her age Liwayway knew that for her mother would always talk about how they should never try and play with the "beggar children. Though she felt this way towards Cresencia she really wanted to jump rope and had not been able to since the neighborhood children got into trouble and were banned from playing with them.
As the days progressed, Cresencia's "childhood" days seem to become a paradigm. A pattern going on and on and on. She even got used to the berating and verbal abuse of her aunt and the jealously of Liwayway. Ligaya was Cresencia’s only friend even if it had to be in secrecy for her sister was very controlling of her actions and even her decisions. Ligaya represented pure innocence which are captured through her many questions and comments, but Liwayway says its pure ignorance. Cresencia’s aunt hated seeing the looks of Cresencia, since she reminded her of her perfect sister Candelaria. She was the favored one among herself, Prissing, and her brother Antonio. She was even going to inherit the soy sauce factory that had been started by their father, however, the Japanese took control of that. Anyway, it did not matter because Prissing always thought about how their lives turned off. Her sister was too poor to leave the children something to live off of, let alone too poor to be buried in a grave. Prissing felt some sympathy towards that burden of a child, but as she always thought she was just another mouth to feed. Her daughters were even coniving and playing silly games with that little orphan.
Everyday was just like any other, waking up to Luninging's yells, doing the daily chores, and eating a small portion of dinner. Cresencia was doing double the amount of chores she was given the first time she came. Luninging would go off and meet with a man while Cresencia was left at the house to do all her duties as well as her own. She was expected to clean the whole house everday from top to bottom as well as the rooms, the maids quarters, the entire household’s laundry and wash the utensils left in the kitchen. She was only a child of nine years old, but the life she was leading was that of a grown up person’s life. She would play with the girls occassionaly but she was lonely. It was the weekdays that seemed most lonely because Ligaya and Liwayway would go to an all girls school to learn. She wouldn’t even have minded if she was left with only Liwayway to play with. She was so hard to understand, one minute she would be nice and kind the next minute she would act as if you ahd just spit in your face. Cresencia remembered her school days and really did want to go back, they were happy times because she could play with other children and she was always very interested in the subjects that were taught. She was stuck at home doing chores and on her free time she would make up math problems and draw them in the sand. When she was younger, she would even stay after school to converse with the teachers to learn more in-depth information about math and history. Cresencia was changing into a child that had no hopes anymore for everday was just like any other. She never expected anything exciting to happen until one day the orphanage's overseer came. The overseer's job was exactly what their profession described. Even back then, they made sure that the orphans that were brought into different homes may it be their relatives or a foster parent was well taken care of and going to school.
As Cresencia swept the shiny redwood floors of the maid’s quarters, where she also slept, she heard the chimes of bells ringing and quickly ran towards the window to see who it had been. It was the familiar face of the man who was kind enough to find her and her sisters space in the orphanage to sleep and contact any relatives that would take them in.
“YOU!Get away from the window! We don’t want our guests seeing such a little thing like you poking about in the business of adults! Move it!”
She backed away from the window, and hid behind the wall but had her head just poked out enough to see and hear what was going about. Luninging, soon enough, hastily opened the door after getting Cresencia out of her business.
“Ah! Hello, sir. Ma’am is expecting you. Come in for some kakanin, I made them especially for your arrival.” She saw a well dressed man who was supposedly the owner and overseer of the orphanage. He was here to see how Cresencia was doing and talk to Prissing about her future.
Prissing finally came to the room after hearing from her other maids that the person she had been waiting for arrived.
“Don Horatio! Nice to see you again, how are you?”
“Ahem, I’m very well. I’m here to see Cresencia and kakanin won’t be necessary. My stay will not be very long.”
“Well, Cresencia is in fact doing very well in my household. She is learning how to do household chores when she is to get married. I even will find a good suitor so that she will not have to live as poorly as her mother did.”
“Mrs. Ortega, are you telling me that the child has not been going to school for one year? If so, I do think that Cresencia should be going to school at this point in time. She is only nine years old. She can learn to do womanly things when she reaches the age of sixteen so that she will have two years to be trained before getting married.”
“Don Horatio, I expect her to marry at fifteen just like any other female in the Philippines. Why, my mother married at the age of thirteen! I do not think she needs schooling, she seems like an intelligent child already.”
“Ahem, Mrs. Ortega, let me remind you I gave you money to properly bring up this child. Her mother and father, God bless their souls, were close friends of mine and they would expect someone like you, a sister of theirs to take care of their child! Having her marry at the age of fifteen is something I will not accept. Yes, she is very intelligent, however I want her to use her intelligence to help others not for household chores. Why, your own children go to school and not only that an all girls school! If you do not do as I say I will take Cresencia and the funds I have been giving you to take care of her! Next week, I will come again and expect to see her in school uniform and seeing that she is obtaining a good education!” Cresencia heard everything that went on between her aunt and Don Horatio. She never knew that he was a friend of her parents. She started to wish that he would take her instead of leaving her here in this dreadful place. She used to think her life was like the fairy tale Cinderella and that she would be able to escape with a prince after enduring all the hardship but it did not seem that way. Despite those feelings, she tried to produce a smile on her face for Don Horatio’s meeting with her aunt meant that she could finally go to school. The smile could not form, because that meant when she would come home, studying would be out of the question and Luninging would have her do chores all night to make up for her absence during the day.
Prissing was somewhat afraid of Don Horatio, she did not want the funds that were given to her to be taken away and she did not want him butting in to her life constantly. She decided that she might as well send Cresencia to the same school as her daughters. So, the next day Cresencia who was already hoping to go to school was very surprised when she was informed that she would be going to a very prestigious all girls' school, but she feared that much studying would be done for she felt that she would not have any time.
The morning after, Cresencia found a forest green and royal blue plaid skirt that was hanging on the door along with a crisp and white collared shirt as well. There were also a pair of worn out black shoes that were placed against the wall.
Suddenly, the door abruptly opened and Luninging stood in the door."Hah! So you're going to school now, eh? Now I will have to do more work! Just because your going to school do not think that you can get away with not helping in this household. Hurry up and get dressed!"
Cresencia managed to get dressed early enough, and gazed at the cracked mirror hanging above the night stand next to her bed. She thought to herself, Cresencia why can't you manage to feel just a bit happy, you are finally going to school. She sighed and said aloud, "You're just a burden," and headed for the door to go and experience her very first day of school.
She entered the gates of the school along with Ligaya and Liwayway at her side. During the car ride, Ligaya was very talkative and very excited to learn that Cresencia would be going with them to school with them from now on. She contemplated about the two of them joining the Double Dutch Jump Rope Competition that went on during break time. As they walked along the tiled flooring in the school building and were about to enter their separate classrooms Ligaya asked, "Cresencia? Will you meet me during break time so we can join the jump rope competition? It will be very fun and the boys from the all boys' school will be holding a running competion so we can watch later. Meet me at the fountain outside, mmkay?" Cresencia nodded and was a little bit interested in the boys' running competion because when she used to live in the province with her family, she would always compete with the neighborhood boys and always managed to win. She was the fastest runner in her province and she wanted to run with the boys instead of just meerly watching. During Cresencia's classes she felt very inquisitive and was very interested in what was being taught. The one thing she didn't like, however, was that in each class she was in she would have to introduce herself to the students and when she walked towards her seat, the girls would start whispering and eyeing her. She felt very nervous and insecure but instead of looking down on the ground she decided to turn her head towards those who were looking at her and stare back as well. The sound of the bell was heard down the hallways of the school, meaning that it was time to go play outside. Cresencia met up with Ligaya and the headed toward the patio of the school to compete in the jump roping conest, however, Cresencia's mind drifted towards the thought of being able to go against the boys in the the running contest.
"Ligaya, I think I am going to go over on the other side of the playground."
"On the boys side? I guess. Not many girls are watching them though."
"I don't want to watch, I want to run against them."
"What?! How can you think of doing that, the girls never play with the boys!"
"Well, I am not that kind of girl."
"Well, the girls in our class will start calling you a tomboy."
"I don't care." And so she started walking off towards the boys' playground and stood on the marker line of where the contest was going to start. She ran there quickly and when the boy that was standing under the tree right next to the line yelled, "GOO!" she ran off and the boys by her side gave had an obscure look on their face.
"Hey, what are you doing here. You're not supposed to be in the contest, gago! You are supposed to watch." She ignored the words that what the boy said and kept running even faster, trying to get away from some of the boys that were taunting her. Without even expecting, she ran past the finish line and the girls that were watching on the side lines were cheering for her. She just wanted to get away and run from the thoughts going on in her head and the taunting going on behind her.
"Cresencia! I did not know that you were such a fast runner! Wow, you really outrun those boys especially, Inocencio, the fastest boy in this whole school!
Out of breath, Cresencia replied, "It really did not seem like anything for me. When I was in the province many of my childhood friends and I would always run like this. They were a bit faster than me I think," she said trying to keep a humble attitude.
After that race, Cresencia became known around the school as the fastest runner, not just the fastest girl but the fastest runner and also for her bold attitude against those taunting boys. Many teachers thought she had a strong personality for such a young age. She was also excelling very well in school. During the end of the semester when announcing the honors of the class, she would always be the first honor. This was very important in the schools, especially for the parents for they got to go upstage with their child and hand them their medal or certificate. Many parents would be proud of their children for being the top in the class and go on the stage to take their picture with them, but Cresencia had no one to go up with her. They were proud moments for her, but she would spend her moment of achievement by her own self. The teachers felt a sense of sympathy towards this young child since they did know that she was an orphan. Her Aunt Prissing made it known so that she could get some sort of financial discount for entering her in the school. Cresencia even was able to be granted an academic scholarship for her excellent grades.
When she came home, Luninging would be at the door and tell her to wipe all the flooring in the house with the excuse of having such a bad back. Cresencia did somewhat expect this to happen, to be granted with a load of work after arriving home from school, but she did not expect that this was all she was to do. Now she had time to study and it was something she was grateful for.
METAMORPHOSIS OF THE HEART
1956, is the year that Marilyn Monroe started to gain fame, Elvis Presley releases his first Gold Album, Pakistan becomes the first Islamic Republic, and is the year that Cresencia fell in love. Cresencia outgrew her baby fat and became a small and slender petite woman of nineteen years old. She moved out of the house of her Aunt Prissing’s and did odd jobs to support herself. She even earned and saved enough money to support herself through college and was able to obtain scholarships because of her exemplary grades. Ever since she was staying at Aunt Prissing's house she had been wanting to leave the house. She could not endure any more of her demanding ways along with Lunining's arduous chores she demanded done by her. So, she discretely left the house and saved all the money that the high school gave her. Because of her good grades, she not only was granted a scholarship but was given allowance as well. She kept this allowance and hid it in a metal box that she would leave under her bed. During Cresencia's college days, she gained many admirers, but she always wanted to focus on her studies. She would snob those who seemed to show affection towards her. She did not want anything in the way of her studies, especially because she was aspiring to keep her position as the scholarly top student in the class. All she cared about was to be successful in her future. She hardly had any friends at school. She always kept to herself during lunch to study. During her studies, she was able to save forty thousand pesos since she was given one thousand pesos a month, which was a very abundant amount of money and was able to live and be employed under her Chinese uncle's household. She got along well with her uncle and was able to meet her husband through him. She worked in the snack shop that was located in the front of her uncle's house and Joaquin Magat was a regular at the snack shop even before Cresencia started to work there.
"Hello, miss, I see you here everyday, but I never got the chance to know what your name is I am Joaquin."
"Cresencia, nice to meet you."
"I'm guessing you're in college where do you go to school?"
"The Philippine Normal College." Hmmph. I doubt she goes there, it seems so snobby of her.
Cresencia handed Joaquin the Coke he ordered and wondered why he had such a full of contempt look upon his face as if she did something wrong. So, she said that she best be getting on with her work because she has so many customers and so Joaquin left. Joaquin was four years older than Cresencia and did not find Cresencia to be intelligent as the people from PNC are hailed to be. Not that Joaquin was intelligent himself, but he in fact was. He was also a top student at his University where he scored at the top 2% of the NCEE finals which is the equivalent to the SATs in the US. Unlike Cresencia, he received many support from his family and also supported himself by selling and making brooms and rattan furniture.
1937 was the year that conflict arose in Asia, resulting with World War II starting in Europe two years after that, and it was also the year my mother was born. Many say my mother's birth, ultimately foreshadowed the personal conflict and battle with growing up in her life, but I never knew how that came to be. Her actions itself didn't seem that of a person who had a troublesome childhood, but then again I was never inclined to learn about my mother's life. She always seemed so distant. Having seven brothers and sisters, and being the youngest, I felt that I was the oddball in the family. My aunts always said that my mother was like a steel box, she always concealed her emotions and seemed so sincere. I was considered to be the opposite of my mother among my brothers and sisters, I always felt like I was such an oddball for feeling so different from my siblings. My siblings say I am like my free-spirited, overly-affectionate, and outspoken father, who always questioned everything. I guess you could say he was the opposite of my mother as well. Whenever any of my brothers would start to play rowdy with the neighborhood children, my father seemed to act more of a disciplinarian than my mother. That wasn't because my mother wasn't a strict disciplinarian. But during my childhood years, many of my childhood friends would have to endure the bamboo stick slapping against the calves of their leg. My siblings manners and some of their serious personalities would have to be in result of my my mother's stare that would stop anyone with whatever wrongdoing they are acting about and end up quickly apologizing.
The memories I can remember far back are during the early 70s just before we moved to the city of Manila. My family and I lived in the province of Bataan, in the most northern part of the largest island, in surface area, of Luzon. You could say it is like the rural farm areas of the United States, although back in those times the Philippines’ provinces were hardly scarce, but abundant. Modern cities began to form and the provinces started to clean up during the 80s when President Marcos declared the Philippines under martial law. I can clearly remember my childhood years, since those I would say, were my happiest times. We were neither rich or poor but I was apathetic towards social status. I always believed that everyone was the same. My father loved to garden and when each of us eight children were born, he would plant a different fruit tree for each child to tender and nurture when they were older. I remember my tree to be a banana tree. Sometimes my father says it resembles my personality, easy to peel open and eat. When I was young I just thought my father was crazy but he said that my brothers’ and sisters’ trees were coconuts, jack fruits, and pineapple; all of these fruits having hard shells hard to break open. I was a very sensitive child whereas my brothers and sisters sensitivities and feelings were hard to crack open and show. I always thought that was a good thing to be able to hold back your feelings because when I was younger, I would play games with my neighborhood friends and trip and fall I could not stand holding the pain in and I would just start bawling and wait for my father to come and reassure that everything was okay. Oh, how innocent and naive children can be sometimes it makes me wish I never grew up.
Just as my parents’ personalities were opposite, so were their roles as husband and wife were during that time. My father tended the garden and would sell fruits in the front yard near our porch while my mother would travel to the market to sell fish. That was our business, my mother would buy fish from the vendors and prepare the fish by removing all the scales and the guts then deep fry the fish and sell them ready to be eaten. She would be absent most of the week travelling all over Bataan to find the best fish, when I was young, as harsh as it sounds, I did not know I had a mother. I thought she was an aunt of mine coming for a visit when she came to the house.The few recollections of my mother's ways and the many of my childhood came to my head as I walk toward the empty white halls of the hospital. I sometimes wish I bonded and took the opportunity to understand her. However, I've run out of time. No, my mother has not reached that stage of dying but as my father says, her mind seems to be no longer with us. As I write this, it seems as if I will only know her through research and hearsay for the mother I have is no longer inside her body. My mother’s mind has succumbed to Alzheimer’s disease a disease that is inherent and occurs when abnormal proteins are created and coagulate nerve cell bodies and in effect result with the loss of brain cells. This, I have learned at med school. When I would converse with patients I learned to do what my mother had done all her life, that is concealing her emotions. When I would consult a patient and when I performed surgery, I found even in the most heartfelt cases to keep my tears and sympathy to myself. I accepted the facts as they are without any emotions and report them to the patients, I felt that my job was to bring about sadness. After all the stress of work, my mother’s ailment, and the recent lost of my father one year ago, I broke down. I did not know what to do. I felt that every day that occurred was filled with grief, be it my bringing upon other people or myself. I knew being able to stay strong was a weakness of mine. I consulted a psychiatrist eight months ago, and instead of prescribing me medicine he told me that the guilt that I have been putting on my shoulders was weighing me down. I needed to release all of that. He told me I should concentrate on one thing rather than think of all the events happening in my life. So I decided to focus on the most absent thing in my life, my mother. There was nothing I can do to recant the absence of her affections in my life except to understand her ways and her past. This is her story.
THE BEGINNINGS OF CONTENTION
A loud wail emanated within the walls of the dilapidated house. It was the cries of Cresencia, born on June 24, 1937 to young parents of the age of 18 and 23. My mother was born with the name of Cresencia Ang Estrella, with her mother being Chinese and her father being Filipino with Spanish descent. She was born in a small and frugal family of five, with her as the eldest of two younger sisters, Editha and Irene. The war abruptly started within Cresencia’s childhood years. The Japanese inundated the island of Luzon, specifically in Bataan where Cresencia was born. She was of the age of eight when the Battle of Bataan started among the Japanese who invaded the island since the US had their airforce base located there and also they wanted to create an Asian imperial empire, just as the Germans wanted to control Europe. The year the battle started was the same year that Cresencia and her sisters became an orphan. The night that the first bombs from the air raid took place, Cresencia’s parents Alma and Edward tried to take refuge with the whole family up on the mountain. There, her mother contracted malaria from the mosquitoes mountain habitat. A few weeks later she died. Although she was eight, she understood the loss of her mother while her younger sisters did not. Her sisters have said when they met up later in life, that their older sister Cresencia had no childhood like the one they had. The battle eventually ended with a 90 day siege and resulting with 75,000 Filipinos surrendered and many were killed during the Bataan Death Match. Their father soon died after the battle after having a fever for three days. The three sisters were now orphans, however it is Cresencia that endured the life of an orphan.
The sisters were split up among different sets of relatives. Editha and Irene paired off with a relative of their father’s and Cresencia was off to live with their aunt, the sister of Alma. The first day she came to the house of Aunt Lourdes, it was nothing like the house she was habiting before. It had a tinge of pink and orange hues painted in stucco form, and spanish roofing tiles. When Cresencia came to step foot in her new home, she felt a spark of hope come to her chest. She seemed, at first, very hesitant to open the white- painted steel gates of the entrance of the house. She gazed among the beauty of the house she was about to enter, but suddenly a loud yell interrupted her daydreaming, “Hoy, you, little girl, we serve no beggars here.” It was a woman sweeping the front yard inside the house. She started to try to have Cresencia flee by waving the straw broom in her hand. All of a sudden, the door opened and a woman who looked to be about Chinese started yelling, “Luningning! What is all this commotion going on! I expect you to do your work yet you go on poking about and yelling at everyone you see on the street!” She stood there watching the yelling going on and seemed a bit confused.
"Ah, ma’am, it is just there is that girl standing there begging for food.”
“Ang gago mo (you have such a stupid mind) Luningning, that is the orphan girl of my dead sister! Have her come in now! She has much to do in the house!” The woman heartily sighed buisit under her breath, which inflicted the emotion of regret of hiring such a stupid woman. Luninging opened the gate, held Cresencia by the arm and dragged her through the front garden and into the house. Then and there, did Cresencia see the beauty that was in the interior of the house, and continued on day dreaming.
“Child, what is your name,” the woman said in a stern voice.
With a meekly response she stated, “Cr-cr-cresencia.”
“Pahh! For such a pretty name, your looks do not achieve that. But then again, my sister did not inherit my mother’s beauty. Anyway, though you will be staying here you are just another burden to all the things I have to accomplish in the house and for my husband’s business. You will help Luninging with her duties in cleaning up the house and cooking. I expect you to listen to her, if I hear any wrongdoing under her command you will not be getting any food to eat.”
Cresencia was quite shocked with the way she was greeted by her aunt. Well, it did make sense to her, for when she first looked upon her aunt who she still didn’t know the name of, she looked as if to have a very stern face. So much for her spark of hope, however, she was used to the disappointment always barging in her life. Even though she was only eight years old, she experienced so much emotional hardship. Though she had two sisters, they were also out of her life along with her parents. After splitting up and leaving her with the stern aunt, she felt that somehow she might never regain happiness. She tried to instill a small fragment of hope, when she roamed around the house she spotted two young girls of her sisters’ ages that were probably the children of the household. She could try and gain some friendship and she started to think of actually having a place to stay during such hard times among the population of the Philippines, especially since now the Americans took over, and she guessed that was something to be grateful about.
"Daydreamer! Stop staring into space, ma'am has just said that you are under my command and most obey and help with my duties." She rummaged through the closet and started to gather supplies for Cresencia that consisted of rags, a broom, a bucket, a mop and feather duster. She lengthily described the arduous chores she was going to do till the end of the day. And she was supposed to get everything finished before dinner, otherwise, just as her aunt said, she would not receive one bite to eat. Her stomach itself started to rumble as she picked up all the supplies that was shoved into her hands. Sweep the floor, mop the floor, dry it with rags, and dust the counter tops. Sweep the floor, mop the floor, dry it with rags, and dust the counter tops... She recited this on and on again in her head as she was doing her chores, trying hard not to forget. It seemed to work for time began to pass by faster, and she was able to get it done a bit earlier than she anticipated to be finished.
DAYDREAMER
Out of exhaustion from the hours but seemingly minutes of work, she lumbered around the house and explored. Room after room, she was amazed by all the artwork and tapestries that decorated the bright painted walls. She wandered and wondered which of the many rooms of the house would she occupy. Cresencia hoped that the room she was to stay in would be the pale mint green painted room with an art piece hanging from the wall of baby cherubic angels aligned in a row. That picture made her smile, even after hearing her aunt's reaction to having her living in their house. As she kept having thoughts as to what happened earlier between her meeting with her aunt and Luninging, she thought she saw two little black heads poke between the leaves of the indoor plants and quickly hide and giggle.
"Hello? Don't pretend I didn't see you. I am your older cousin, you must come and say hello."
Out of nowhere a little girl jumped out of her hiding spot and with a sneer asked, "Cousin? Mother said you are the new maid. So you should do what we tell you to. Hmph."
"I'm sorry, but that is a misunderstanding. Though I am your cousin, I must work in order to stay here. But since I am done with my work, how about we play some games? I know some very fun games my sisters and I used to play. You know, you two girls are about the ages of my younger sisters."
A very small voice, that of the younger sister spoke, "Did your sisters die too?"
"Ligaya! I told you to hide and stay behind the wall, you never listen! And your questions are just ridiculously stupid and naive."
Reassuringly, Cresencia said, "Ligaya, that's a nice name, I can see why you would ask such a question. But, no, my sisters have not passed. We have been separated from each other when our parents passed away."
"Ate Liwayway, how about we play with Cresencia? She has no sisters. Let's play jump rope Ate!"
"Hmph. No, I don't want to get in trouble and play with this orphan."
With the sound of an authoritative voice she replied, "My name is Cresencia. In fact, you must call me Ate since I am older than you. And Liwayway, if we ever happen to get into trouble with your mother I will take the blame. I have nothing else to do and Luninging seems to have gone on an errand."
"Yeah, Ate. We'll hold the handles of the jump rope so you can jump. How about it, Ate?"
"Ugh. Fine, fine. I guess we can play more games and then wait till dinner is ready."
So that afternoon, they all played games and appeared to have fun with each other, but Liwayway seemed to feel very intimidated by this orphan. In her eyes, the orphan looked like a small, light-skinned, and round porcelain china doll. Liwayway's mother always badgered how she was so dark skinned, like that of her fathers and started feeling insecure about the orphan's looks and attitude. How bold of her to try and play with children of their status, event at her age Liwayway knew that for her mother would always talk about how they should never try and play with the "beggar children. Though she felt this way towards Cresencia she really wanted to jump rope and had not been able to since the neighborhood children got into trouble and were banned from playing with them.
As the days progressed, Cresencia's "childhood" days seem to become a paradigm. A pattern going on and on and on. She even got used to the berating and verbal abuse of her aunt and the jealously of Liwayway. Ligaya was Cresencia’s only friend even if it had to be in secrecy for her sister was very controlling of her actions and even her decisions. Ligaya represented pure innocence which are captured through her many questions and comments, but Liwayway says its pure ignorance. Cresencia’s aunt hated seeing the looks of Cresencia, since she reminded her of her perfect sister Candelaria. She was the favored one among herself, Prissing, and her brother Antonio. She was even going to inherit the soy sauce factory that had been started by their father, however, the Japanese took control of that. Anyway, it did not matter because Prissing always thought about how their lives turned off. Her sister was too poor to leave the children something to live off of, let alone too poor to be buried in a grave. Prissing felt some sympathy towards that burden of a child, but as she always thought she was just another mouth to feed. Her daughters were even coniving and playing silly games with that little orphan.
Everyday was just like any other, waking up to Luninging's yells, doing the daily chores, and eating a small portion of dinner. Cresencia was doing double the amount of chores she was given the first time she came. Luninging would go off and meet with a man while Cresencia was left at the house to do all her duties as well as her own. She was expected to clean the whole house everday from top to bottom as well as the rooms, the maids quarters, the entire household’s laundry and wash the utensils left in the kitchen. She was only a child of nine years old, but the life she was leading was that of a grown up person’s life. She would play with the girls occassionaly but she was lonely. It was the weekdays that seemed most lonely because Ligaya and Liwayway would go to an all girls school to learn. She wouldn’t even have minded if she was left with only Liwayway to play with. She was so hard to understand, one minute she would be nice and kind the next minute she would act as if you ahd just spit in your face. Cresencia remembered her school days and really did want to go back, they were happy times because she could play with other children and she was always very interested in the subjects that were taught. She was stuck at home doing chores and on her free time she would make up math problems and draw them in the sand. When she was younger, she would even stay after school to converse with the teachers to learn more in-depth information about math and history. Cresencia was changing into a child that had no hopes anymore for everday was just like any other. She never expected anything exciting to happen until one day the orphanage's overseer came. The overseer's job was exactly what their profession described. Even back then, they made sure that the orphans that were brought into different homes may it be their relatives or a foster parent was well taken care of and going to school.
As Cresencia swept the shiny redwood floors of the maid’s quarters, where she also slept, she heard the chimes of bells ringing and quickly ran towards the window to see who it had been. It was the familiar face of the man who was kind enough to find her and her sisters space in the orphanage to sleep and contact any relatives that would take them in.
“YOU!Get away from the window! We don’t want our guests seeing such a little thing like you poking about in the business of adults! Move it!”
She backed away from the window, and hid behind the wall but had her head just poked out enough to see and hear what was going about. Luninging, soon enough, hastily opened the door after getting Cresencia out of her business.
“Ah! Hello, sir. Ma’am is expecting you. Come in for some kakanin, I made them especially for your arrival.” She saw a well dressed man who was supposedly the owner and overseer of the orphanage. He was here to see how Cresencia was doing and talk to Prissing about her future.
Prissing finally came to the room after hearing from her other maids that the person she had been waiting for arrived.
“Don Horatio! Nice to see you again, how are you?”
“Ahem, I’m very well. I’m here to see Cresencia and kakanin won’t be necessary. My stay will not be very long.”
“Well, Cresencia is in fact doing very well in my household. She is learning how to do household chores when she is to get married. I even will find a good suitor so that she will not have to live as poorly as her mother did.”
“Mrs. Ortega, are you telling me that the child has not been going to school for one year? If so, I do think that Cresencia should be going to school at this point in time. She is only nine years old. She can learn to do womanly things when she reaches the age of sixteen so that she will have two years to be trained before getting married.”
“Don Horatio, I expect her to marry at fifteen just like any other female in the Philippines. Why, my mother married at the age of thirteen! I do not think she needs schooling, she seems like an intelligent child already.”
“Ahem, Mrs. Ortega, let me remind you I gave you money to properly bring up this child. Her mother and father, God bless their souls, were close friends of mine and they would expect someone like you, a sister of theirs to take care of their child! Having her marry at the age of fifteen is something I will not accept. Yes, she is very intelligent, however I want her to use her intelligence to help others not for household chores. Why, your own children go to school and not only that an all girls school! If you do not do as I say I will take Cresencia and the funds I have been giving you to take care of her! Next week, I will come again and expect to see her in school uniform and seeing that she is obtaining a good education!” Cresencia heard everything that went on between her aunt and Don Horatio. She never knew that he was a friend of her parents. She started to wish that he would take her instead of leaving her here in this dreadful place. She used to think her life was like the fairy tale Cinderella and that she would be able to escape with a prince after enduring all the hardship but it did not seem that way. Despite those feelings, she tried to produce a smile on her face for Don Horatio’s meeting with her aunt meant that she could finally go to school. The smile could not form, because that meant when she would come home, studying would be out of the question and Luninging would have her do chores all night to make up for her absence during the day.
Prissing was somewhat afraid of Don Horatio, she did not want the funds that were given to her to be taken away and she did not want him butting in to her life constantly. She decided that she might as well send Cresencia to the same school as her daughters. So, the next day Cresencia who was already hoping to go to school was very surprised when she was informed that she would be going to a very prestigious all girls' school, but she feared that much studying would be done for she felt that she would not have any time.
The morning after, Cresencia found a forest green and royal blue plaid skirt that was hanging on the door along with a crisp and white collared shirt as well. There were also a pair of worn out black shoes that were placed against the wall.
Suddenly, the door abruptly opened and Luninging stood in the door."Hah! So you're going to school now, eh? Now I will have to do more work! Just because your going to school do not think that you can get away with not helping in this household. Hurry up and get dressed!"
Cresencia managed to get dressed early enough, and gazed at the cracked mirror hanging above the night stand next to her bed. She thought to herself, Cresencia why can't you manage to feel just a bit happy, you are finally going to school. She sighed and said aloud, "You're just a burden," and headed for the door to go and experience her very first day of school.
She entered the gates of the school along with Ligaya and Liwayway at her side. During the car ride, Ligaya was very talkative and very excited to learn that Cresencia would be going with them to school with them from now on. She contemplated about the two of them joining the Double Dutch Jump Rope Competition that went on during break time. As they walked along the tiled flooring in the school building and were about to enter their separate classrooms Ligaya asked, "Cresencia? Will you meet me during break time so we can join the jump rope competition? It will be very fun and the boys from the all boys' school will be holding a running competion so we can watch later. Meet me at the fountain outside, mmkay?" Cresencia nodded and was a little bit interested in the boys' running competion because when she used to live in the province with her family, she would always compete with the neighborhood boys and always managed to win. She was the fastest runner in her province and she wanted to run with the boys instead of just meerly watching. During Cresencia's classes she felt very inquisitive and was very interested in what was being taught. The one thing she didn't like, however, was that in each class she was in she would have to introduce herself to the students and when she walked towards her seat, the girls would start whispering and eyeing her. She felt very nervous and insecure but instead of looking down on the ground she decided to turn her head towards those who were looking at her and stare back as well. The sound of the bell was heard down the hallways of the school, meaning that it was time to go play outside. Cresencia met up with Ligaya and the headed toward the patio of the school to compete in the jump roping conest, however, Cresencia's mind drifted towards the thought of being able to go against the boys in the the running contest.
"Ligaya, I think I am going to go over on the other side of the playground."
"On the boys side? I guess. Not many girls are watching them though."
"I don't want to watch, I want to run against them."
"What?! How can you think of doing that, the girls never play with the boys!"
"Well, I am not that kind of girl."
"Well, the girls in our class will start calling you a tomboy."
"I don't care." And so she started walking off towards the boys' playground and stood on the marker line of where the contest was going to start. She ran there quickly and when the boy that was standing under the tree right next to the line yelled, "GOO!" she ran off and the boys by her side gave had an obscure look on their face.
"Hey, what are you doing here. You're not supposed to be in the contest, gago! You are supposed to watch." She ignored the words that what the boy said and kept running even faster, trying to get away from some of the boys that were taunting her. Without even expecting, she ran past the finish line and the girls that were watching on the side lines were cheering for her. She just wanted to get away and run from the thoughts going on in her head and the taunting going on behind her.
"Cresencia! I did not know that you were such a fast runner! Wow, you really outrun those boys especially, Inocencio, the fastest boy in this whole school!
Out of breath, Cresencia replied, "It really did not seem like anything for me. When I was in the province many of my childhood friends and I would always run like this. They were a bit faster than me I think," she said trying to keep a humble attitude.
After that race, Cresencia became known around the school as the fastest runner, not just the fastest girl but the fastest runner and also for her bold attitude against those taunting boys. Many teachers thought she had a strong personality for such a young age. She was also excelling very well in school. During the end of the semester when announcing the honors of the class, she would always be the first honor. This was very important in the schools, especially for the parents for they got to go upstage with their child and hand them their medal or certificate. Many parents would be proud of their children for being the top in the class and go on the stage to take their picture with them, but Cresencia had no one to go up with her. They were proud moments for her, but she would spend her moment of achievement by her own self. The teachers felt a sense of sympathy towards this young child since they did know that she was an orphan. Her Aunt Prissing made it known so that she could get some sort of financial discount for entering her in the school. Cresencia even was able to be granted an academic scholarship for her excellent grades.
When she came home, Luninging would be at the door and tell her to wipe all the flooring in the house with the excuse of having such a bad back. Cresencia did somewhat expect this to happen, to be granted with a load of work after arriving home from school, but she did not expect that this was all she was to do. Now she had time to study and it was something she was grateful for.
METAMORPHOSIS OF THE HEART
1956, is the year that Marilyn Monroe started to gain fame, Elvis Presley releases his first Gold Album, Pakistan becomes the first Islamic Republic, and is the year that Cresencia fell in love. Cresencia outgrew her baby fat and became a small and slender petite woman of nineteen years old. She moved out of the house of her Aunt Prissing’s and did odd jobs to support herself. She even earned and saved enough money to support herself through college and was able to obtain scholarships because of her exemplary grades. Ever since she was staying at Aunt Prissing's house she had been wanting to leave the house. She could not endure any more of her demanding ways along with Lunining's arduous chores she demanded done by her. So, she discretely left the house and saved all the money that the high school gave her. Because of her good grades, she not only was granted a scholarship but was given allowance as well. She kept this allowance and hid it in a metal box that she would leave under her bed. During Cresencia's college days, she gained many admirers, but she always wanted to focus on her studies. She would snob those who seemed to show affection towards her. She did not want anything in the way of her studies, especially because she was aspiring to keep her position as the scholarly top student in the class. All she cared about was to be successful in her future. She hardly had any friends at school. She always kept to herself during lunch to study. During her studies, she was able to save forty thousand pesos since she was given one thousand pesos a month, which was a very abundant amount of money and was able to live and be employed under her Chinese uncle's household. She got along well with her uncle and was able to meet her husband through him. She worked in the snack shop that was located in the front of her uncle's house and Joaquin Magat was a regular at the snack shop even before Cresencia started to work there.
"Hello, miss, I see you here everyday, but I never got the chance to know what your name is I am Joaquin."
"Cresencia, nice to meet you."
"I'm guessing you're in college where do you go to school?"
"The Philippine Normal College." Hmmph. I doubt she goes there, it seems so snobby of her.
Cresencia handed Joaquin the Coke he ordered and wondered why he had such a full of contempt look upon his face as if she did something wrong. So, she said that she best be getting on with her work because she has so many customers and so Joaquin left. Joaquin was four years older than Cresencia and did not find Cresencia to be intelligent as the people from PNC are hailed to be. Not that Joaquin was intelligent himself, but he in fact was. He was also a top student at his University where he scored at the top 2% of the NCEE finals which is the equivalent to the SATs in the US. Unlike Cresencia, he received many support from his family and also supported himself by selling and making brooms and rattan furniture.
Labels: Novel
posted by Anna @ 9:24 AM
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